I still remember the list. I can see it in my mind—all the great and amazing things I still wanted to accomplish taking up the bottom half of the page in some throw-away notebook.
(Funny considering I can’t remember if I wrote at the dining table in my condo or the basement of a parent’s house amidst one of my life transitions.)
But I can remember the frustration—that feeling of your clothes being too tight here and not tight enough there… everything “off” just enough that you never feel comfortable.
Only instead of a too-tight corporate suit, it was a too-much-not-enough mismatch with my own life. A Deb suit that, no matter what, I could never get it to fit just right.
Why couldn’t I feel satiated and happy?
Why couldn’t I just want what everyone wanted for me?
(I’m reminded of a certain NFL kicker sharing the same message with women today that I was fed by the spoonful growing up.)
And I want to ask them all—from the baby manchild to the “leaders” behind the curtains of religious ideologies: WHY?
→ Why if I’d checked all the damn boxes they told me I was supposed to…
→ Why if I was working for the clergy of the church that was God’s only truth…
→ Why if I was fulfilling all the roles they’d told me would bring happiness at home, at work, in my marriage, in my life…
→ Why was I so incredibly unhappy?
(No need to answer. They already did. → I wasn’t doing it right. I wasn’t enough.)
SO I MADE THE LIST.
Photo by Emma Dau on Unsplash
I wrote down all the things I wanted to do and accomplish. All the things I THOUGHT were keeping me from my joy.
Maybe if I just did more, accomplished more, and became more impressive, maybe THEN I might be happy.
But as I sat staring at my list, Truth popped out to me from the page like one of those scenes in the movies where the hero sees the code or secret language hidden in the text…
AND I REALIZED I DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT THESE THINGS… NOT ALL OF THEM ANYWAY.
Instead:
…some things were there because others expected them from me.
…some things were there because I wanted to be more impressive.
…some things were there because I was still proving myself to a world that would never see me.
And when I crossed all those out, I was left with a small handful of things I actually really wanted.
More importantly, I was left with space to want MORE of what really spoke to me.
I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT MOMENT THAT TAUGHT ME TO BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
Not because we might wish for something bad or should be scared of our desires, but because sometimes what we’re wishing for we don’t really want at all.
Loves & hugs,
